gone

im just gone. simple.

bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit.

so fed up with all this boundary crap.
so fed up with you.

never

i've never realized how bad my self esteem was until today. it's almost like im feeding to my problems too. i manage to make it worse by not eating, but that's just how i make myself feel better. oh well. i'll just see where this gets me.

i've

never felt homesick and for some reason now i do. i haven't been home for more then 10 days and i miss everything back home. i just want to feel stable again and it's wierd i have absolutely nobody to go to here. i can't even go to my mom because i'm afraid of her, literally. i never thought that would happen again, but i am. i just feel alone in my own world and i don't want to be.

hm

i don't even know how i am at this point. i might be good i might not be. oh well. i think things are good & im happy, let's see how long this lasts.

Jason Mraz

Well all I really wanna do is love you
A kind much closer than friends use
But I still can’t say it after all we’ve been through
And all I really want from you is to feel me
As the feeling inside keeps building
And I will find a way to you if it kills me
If it kills me

Losing grip on the memories of my childhood. The influences on my life are slipping away. When I needed them the most, when my mom was gone all night, they stayed there to hold my hand through the night. Now it’s like I can feel the memory fade like an old polaroid. I am told to walk carefully around the border, “don’t push the limits, it’s a sensative subject.” When how can you say that when I want to scream and cry about how God shouldn’t be doing this to these whole-hearted people. Crying only makes them feel worse, they never want people to mourn in their pain. I have to be strong for them as they battle, but what if I can’t stand the idea of losing that certain someone to sickness. Hold in the tears and show them the best time of their lifes, enjoy these precious moments and love them as much as you can. I know that if they are taken I can’t hold up that wall, I let go and grieve for the pain of a slipping memory. I always know that you may feel like you’ve lost grip, but if you call upon them they are always their to guide you because they love you endlessly.

i

really don't feel like I'm going home, its more like I heading towards a black hole. I really wish I was still in Texas, drama free.

ugh

the one thing that sucks about this whole trip out here is the amount of drama I'm getting from being here and people back in California. I hardly talk to him. the whole relationship almost ended yesterday on our 8 months. things are not the way I want them to be. I just want everything to be the way they were when I first met him. for one thing I still love and care for him more than anything. just a simple text or call would make me feel a lot better. whatever I'm wasting my "vacation" focusing on the bad that happened yesterday.

i

have never felt more out of my skin than I do right now. things aren't looking well at this point, the drama followed me here to Texas.

I kinda just want to go home and forget everything that has happened and mend what it seems like a broken relationship with someone once again.

if i am your world

why dont you treat me like it? I try my hardest just so I can stay in your spotlight.

You

You can’t help who you love. You definitely can’t chose who you fall for. You just got to accept it and love them. You have to ignore what people say if they say you can do better. You need to watch what you say. You must be conscience of every move you make just so you don’t lose the one you love. You need to give them compassion when they need it the most. You need to let them comfort you whenever you need it. You need to disagree with them, don’t just agree with everything they say. You must give them your sweetest kisses. You should wipe away all of their tears and hold them the whole night. You should smile whenever you see them walking your way. 

There is so many “you’s”, but you know you can only hope that they do everything in return for you. They must love you as much as you love them. 

I've lost control

I consistently breakdown because I'm sick and worried about the one person who means something to me other then family. Right now I'm just tempted to give up, if he is? I miss the way things used to be. I don't care if I can do better! I know where my heart is and right now it is with him. 

Can I tell myself everything is okay? That tomorrow when I wake up everything will be back to normal? That you will be holding me again? I’m down on my knees wishing that everything will be back to the way it was before all of this. I want to try, with all my heart. I love you, cross my heart.

Because these words were never easier for me to say
Or her to second guess
But I guess
That I can live without you but
Without you I'll be miserable at best...

And I miss the lips that made me fly.

Didn’t mean to say I was going to leave you for someone else. I’m so misunderstood and confused. That “other” person was someone to fill the space that you were starting to make. I never intended it to be like this. I also never planned for you to not trust me, but the thing is when I feel neglected I try to fill that empty space with something or someone else. I never wanted to lose you, I’d hope to not lose you in any way. At this point I am willing to try and work everything out. To get everything straight again. I don’t want anyboy but you right now, I just can’t picture someone else to hold me whenever I need it. I want everything back to normal, I want you.

I can see the end. It's coming quick. The end.

janis

done

im done putting on a fake front. my mental stability is consistently decreasing as the days go by. im an emotional reck. im done with it.

The last

About the last post, I deleted it because it means nothing now. I don't need it published up on here. The whole situation was stupid. Bye.

Friday

Oh what a day, today is the first day of break :) I’m really excited for this break, I really need it. I’m in an awful cheerful mood sitting here listening to Yeah Yeah Yeah’s. I’ve learned a couple new things within the past couple days.

One, I need to control my emotions better. I’m not gonna let anything really fully get to me. Lately I have been which isn’t good for my panic attacks.

Two, I learned that I have to rethink all my friends and see who are the true ones and the ones that aren’t. I did that today :)

That’s about all I have learned in the past 3 days. My birthday was swell. I realized this week also that it is so hard going through a day without seeing Noah. He really means more then the world to me. Even when I get mad at him for something completely stupid, I still love him. I’d be nothing if I lost him again. He is the boy that keeps me on my toes and I love it. Also along with all of this I have become “good friends” with his best friend, Niki. I don’t really know what to call her, she is really nice. I thought I would hate her, but I don’t. She is just as spazzy, energetic, and loud as me. It’s fun making new friends that aren’t fake. Majority of my past friends have been fake, which is lame. Well I’m just gonna keep the good true friends the closest to me, while the others I’m just gonna exclude myself from their lifes. I’m done with their immaturity and drama. To add to my cheerful new outlook on life currently, I’ve had way more confidence. Which is a total change compared to the way I normally think. I workout more, it’s a must. I’m eating more comfortably. I’m completely honest with people, instead of keeping to myself. Even at school where normally I’m quiet because I don’t want people to the see the REAL me, I’ve been being my normal blunt bitchy self. I find my new look on life entertaining, I’m waiting to see what I’ll do next. Oh, I always forget to mention good things. I know what I want to do for college and career. I’m gonna become a Relationship/Marriage Counselor also I want to design Lingerie. Haha, now I’m done. That was a lot, but I had to get it all out there. Bye.

Stressed

Its a feeling in your stomach, and mind.
Mentally I am stuck in a bind.
I keep hitting the search button to find the answers to all my problems.
Im on the look for the right path,
The path that leaves me feeling good about myself.

Stomach lurches.
Head explodes.
You have me stressed.

Elsewhere

I wish, I want, I need to be elsewhere.
My life here has gone nowhere, but down hill.
I sit around and watch the clock tick backwards,
It never goes forward.
Time moves to slow for my pace.
I wish to be elsewhere.

But wishing has gotten me nowhere.
I need to be patient,
I need to just sit and wait.
Ignore the slow motion backwards time.
I will enjoy my life.

Downfalls & People

I feel so out of place in my own skin. In sense this is normal for me. Whenever im happy for long period of time and things are looking good there is always a downfall. This is my downfall. I don't regret loosing the people that I have already.
Since I lost my two "best friends", I know that my boyfriend is by my side. I'm just hoping nothing happens this time around with him. He may think he isn't perfect for me, but he really is. Sometimes I feel like he knows more about me then I know about myself. He is right majority of the time about me. Like I'll feel sick from anxiety and he is the one to make feel better by just telling me that "I'll be fine, you always are". I know it isn't normal for him to me more positive then me, but it means a lot knowing that all he wants is for me to be happy. I do wish I could let him know I understand how sorry he is about what happened with the us the first time around, but there is no other way of expressing that other then loving him. He means the world to me and I'm lucky to have him during my downfalls. If this means I'm only him by my side for awhile, I don't mind all.
As well as my boyfriend, I have my best friend for the past 2 years. He has always been there for me even when we got into this really big fight last summer. I know perfectly well that I won't be loosing this boy for quite some time, hopefully never. He keeps me sane during these downfalls in my mentality. I don't really need anybody else other then my TRUE best friend and my boyfriend.
After getting this all out of my system I realize that I have decided to keep the two people in my life that have hurt me the most. I don't see a problem with that. I love them. Just hopefully my happiness with them won't lead to loosing them too from a simple downfall, does that make sense? I think I need reassurance.
Well I'm done being down & depressing. I'm gonna go sing to somebody and edit photos. Bye.